Monday, January 17, 2011

I Have My Daddy's Blue Eyes...

...and I'm so thankful for that. Anytime I look in the mirror, I can see his eyes, pretty & blue. :)

I lost my dad one week ago today. It still seems unreal sometimes. I so badly want it to be. I look around my house and see all the pretty plants and flowers. I don't want these things, I just want my dad back. I want life to go back to normal, although now, we'll unfortunately have a "new normal." I'm already seeing myself being jealous of others that still have their dad, or if I read a Facebook post about someone griping about their "awful" day, I get mad. I'm mad because he will never get to enjoy his grandchildren (in this life anyway). He would have been a wonderful granddaddy. I'm mad because he won't be the Best Man in Jonathan's wedding someday. I'm mad that he never had a piece of my 26th birthday cake. I'm mad that I'm bitter. I shouldn't be this way. I don't want to be this way, but I am.

I am so thankful for all the family, friends, and countless others who have touched our lives in this last week. We have been well-fed every day (we are all eating AND sleeping well, which I am very thankful for), and we haven't had to ask for help with anything. We have had constant encouragement, and been reminded of so many promises God has given us in His word. Even with all this, it's still hard.

I don't like the quiet times. I would rather be busy from the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed (usually later than normal now). I should just let myself be in the quiet for a while and just sit & remember, but it hurts. I am cherishing the pictures and memories we have of him more than ever. At first, it hurt to look at them, but now it brings a little happiness to me. I hope that everything will be that way eventually. Maybe not soon, maybe not quickly, but eventually.

I want to thank everyone who visited us at the funeral home and attended the funeral. I only looked out into the crowd once, as we walked in, but it made my heart smile to see all the people there. Even with the awful, AWFUL weather, there were still so many there. (I won't go off on a tangent about the weather, but I will say that I hope this snow/ice will go away soon. It's not pretty anymore.)

My Zach has been awesome through all this. I don't think I could have made it through without him by my side. He took care of things at home when I was at home with Mom. My sweet momma is holding up rather well. This is her second time to go through this. That in itself is just not fair. My 90 year-old grandmother (Dad's mother) seems to be stronger than any of us. I hate that I will forever have the memory of her grieving over her son's casket, saying to all of us, "You should never have to bury your own child." Through all of this, we haven't asked God "why," we're just hoping we'll receive the answer. If not in this life, we will know in the next. I don't see how people that do not believe in God have any hope in death. I couldn't imagine not knowing the promise that we have to see him again.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then... I am strong." 2 Cor. 12:9-10. My best friend Jennifer sent me this verse. This past Thursday (the 13th) was the six year anniversary of her mother's death. I hate that we now have this in common, but it's a bond that will make our friendship even stronger. There are so many other friends of mine and people I know that are in this same group. It's not a common ground that you want to share, but it was given to us.

I guess the only thing I will leave you with is to "love each other." If you love someone, tell them. Life is so short- I didn't even realize how short it really is, or how short it can be.
Live it. It's what it's there for. 


  1. Ashley you are in my thoughts and prayers daily! Bailey has been praying for you as well and missed seeing you yesterday! If you ever need some one to talk to let me know! Thank you for this wonderful post! You are a true Christian inspiration and God will see you and your family through all of this.

  2. Ashley, I love your transparency. God would not want it any other way. The more you verbalize, the more room you make for healing to begin. I surely do not know what you are going through. I can only imagine how lost I would be if this were my mother. I don't have a relationship with my dad but yet I sometimes grieve the lack of that. May sweet memories and the bond you had with your daddy sustain you as God holds you in His righteous right hand. I love you. Beth

  3. Ashley,

    I love you so much. I wanted more than anything to see you and the family that Thursday and I was glad I was able to do so. I know your daddy is so incredibly proud of the God-fearing, beautiful woman that you have become. I remember talking to him about you the day of the wedding, and all I could feel that day was the love between you and Zach and you and your parents. Just like our Father, your daddy will always be around you and will see the beautiful grandchildren that you and Zach have. I love you so much and have respected and looked up to you for so long. You are in my thoughts and prayers now more than ever.

  4. Such a nice post-- you are honest, and that is how you should be. You are entitled to feel any way you want during this time. I know you were close to your dad--just remember that his love for you helped to shape you into the person you are today, and that love will be with you always. Let me know if you need anything. Love you,


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